Mindfulness and Betrayal

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This week I had an experience whereby I was betrayed not just by a single person, but a group of people. It cut deeply, especially due to the circumstances.

No it was not fair, it wasn’t right and it was certainly inappropriate. The saddest part about it, was the trigger. You know, that one person who is always the one to create drama in order to ingratiate themselves with others? The rage I experienced was so intense that it made me shake, it sickened me to my core.

I am not going to try and say I dealt with it correctly on the day, in fact, I didn’t face it at all due to the circumstances. However, I did project it on to another individual who should not have tolerated that type of behaviour. It manifested into something elseĀ  entirely because I just could not correctly enunciate what I wanted to say. The difficulty I faced was exactly that of a school playground. The politics, the pack mentality, the juvenile behaviour (the fact it was the behaviour of grown adults is really quite laughable)

The irony of the things that were said could make for an infomercial on the subject of hypocrisy, but I choose not to indulge it further. Why? Because I want to let it go and focussing on the details will not enable me to do that.

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I have been reading up on “Mindfulness” a lot recently because I find that it is the most effective form of managing the all encompassing, suffocating depression that engulfs me. (The depression cloud has returned recently due to a very difficult period of fm flares and innumerate other problems) In short, mindfulness is right for me.

So, how do I deal with this sickening, hurtful situation in a mindful way? (Clearly it is a work in progress)

1. Understand that the group was reacting to a trigger with the added fuel of boredom and frustration

2. Accept that they would not have said these things if they were aware that I was present. This indicates that either they did not intend to be hurtful or on the other hand, it betrays their weakness because they did not have the fortitude to say anything to my face

3. Let it go. Don’t keep replaying the situation (In truth, easier said than done). Replaying the situation has the same effect as the game of Chinese Whispers.

4. Focus on what really matters. This situation is beyond irrelevant in my world. I have much bigger challenges to deal with. They have no right to infringe on my happiness and health

Yes, we all want to set the record straight, yes, if wronged, we want to put it right (usually very publicly) but in some situations, it is better to not sweat the small stuff. Retaliation just means you are as bad as they are

So yes, it hurt, yes, I felt betrayed, but it wasn’t me that behaved badly so I will not punish and hurt myself by being angry and upset. I will focus on being mindful and hopefully I will be able to shrug it off

My world on my terms WILL be a happier place

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Four Years….

Wow…four years since I last posted. I have changed, my world has changed, inevitably THE world has changed. New marriage, home, herd…same old fm. In summary, I have lost, found, loved, hated, learned and nearly died, not necessarily in that order

2016-03-25-07.42.00.jpg.jpegI am developing new skills every day as well as expanding on existing ones. I have a greater need to write than ever, not just for pleasure, but as a form of personal therapy and creative expression. I find myself seeking intellectual stimulation in a world saturated with brandspeak, textspeak, abbreviation and an excepional lack of grammar only to be confronted with the fact that this is the ‘way forward’ a requirement for success. This makes the bile rise in my throat and it is getting harder and harder to gulp it back and smile.

Perhaps turning forty is the impetus for this increase in introspection, retrospection…exospection, vexospection. Yes, I am fully aware that the last two words are not real, but creating nonsensical text to enhance flow seems to be de rigeur these days.

2016-03-25-07.39.57.png.pngMisogyny and sexism is still sickeningly rife yet the pc crowd stampede against standards which Generation X grew up with and made the majority of us well adjusted adults

Our world is a terrifying place that is spiralling out of control and I wonder if the next generation can harness the wild stallion of chaos or if they will be trampled by flailing hooves. However, I am sure the previous generations considered this and it is clear that the primary need is for perspective and seeing the whole picture, not just events in isolation?

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