Mindfulness and Betrayal

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This week I had an experience whereby I was betrayed not just by a single person, but a group of people. It cut deeply, especially due to the circumstances.

No it was not fair, it wasn’t right and it was certainly inappropriate. The saddest part about it, was the trigger. You know, that one person who is always the one to create drama in order to ingratiate themselves with others? The rage I experienced was so intense that it made me shake, it sickened me to my core.

I am not going to try and say I dealt with it correctly on the day, in fact, I didn’t face it at all due to the circumstances. However, I did project it on to another individual who should not have tolerated that type of behaviour. It manifested into something else  entirely because I just could not correctly enunciate what I wanted to say. The difficulty I faced was exactly that of a school playground. The politics, the pack mentality, the juvenile behaviour (the fact it was the behaviour of grown adults is really quite laughable)

The irony of the things that were said could make for an infomercial on the subject of hypocrisy, but I choose not to indulge it further. Why? Because I want to let it go and focussing on the details will not enable me to do that.

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I have been reading up on “Mindfulness” a lot recently because I find that it is the most effective form of managing the all encompassing, suffocating depression that engulfs me. (The depression cloud has returned recently due to a very difficult period of fm flares and innumerate other problems) In short, mindfulness is right for me.

So, how do I deal with this sickening, hurtful situation in a mindful way? (Clearly it is a work in progress)

1. Understand that the group was reacting to a trigger with the added fuel of boredom and frustration

2. Accept that they would not have said these things if they were aware that I was present. This indicates that either they did not intend to be hurtful or on the other hand, it betrays their weakness because they did not have the fortitude to say anything to my face

3. Let it go. Don’t keep replaying the situation (In truth, easier said than done). Replaying the situation has the same effect as the game of Chinese Whispers.

4. Focus on what really matters. This situation is beyond irrelevant in my world. I have much bigger challenges to deal with. They have no right to infringe on my happiness and health

Yes, we all want to set the record straight, yes, if wronged, we want to put it right (usually very publicly) but in some situations, it is better to not sweat the small stuff. Retaliation just means you are as bad as they are

So yes, it hurt, yes, I felt betrayed, but it wasn’t me that behaved badly so I will not punish and hurt myself by being angry and upset. I will focus on being mindful and hopefully I will be able to shrug it off

My world on my terms WILL be a happier place

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Four Years….

Wow…four years since I last posted. I have changed, my world has changed, inevitably THE world has changed. New marriage, home, herd…same old fm. In summary, I have lost, found, loved, hated, learned and nearly died, not necessarily in that order

2016-03-25-07.42.00.jpg.jpegI am developing new skills every day as well as expanding on existing ones. I have a greater need to write than ever, not just for pleasure, but as a form of personal therapy and creative expression. I find myself seeking intellectual stimulation in a world saturated with brandspeak, textspeak, abbreviation and an excepional lack of grammar only to be confronted with the fact that this is the ‘way forward’ a requirement for success. This makes the bile rise in my throat and it is getting harder and harder to gulp it back and smile.

Perhaps turning forty is the impetus for this increase in introspection, retrospection…exospection, vexospection. Yes, I am fully aware that the last two words are not real, but creating nonsensical text to enhance flow seems to be de rigeur these days.

2016-03-25-07.39.57.png.pngMisogyny and sexism is still sickeningly rife yet the pc crowd stampede against standards which Generation X grew up with and made the majority of us well adjusted adults

Our world is a terrifying place that is spiralling out of control and I wonder if the next generation can harness the wild stallion of chaos or if they will be trampled by flailing hooves. However, I am sure the previous generations considered this and it is clear that the primary need is for perspective and seeing the whole picture, not just events in isolation?

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Concept: Karmabliss

I have decided that I will add a new branch to my karmatillery, and that is to add the concept of karmabliss.

The way I see it, karma is an integral part of life. True, it may take it’s sweet time coming around, but is it because we are waiting for something in particular to “just happen” or are we just missing what can be considered a little piece of karma?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe that if you want something, you have to work for it, end of.  However, if you have a life of significant challenges, it helps to have some level of a belief system. I don’t subscribe to a religion, in fact I have developed my own belief system from a wide range of beliefs and philosophy, but the key point here, is that when it is all a bit dark, and life has beat you upside the chops with a sock full of pool balls, it is reassuring to think that what goes around, comes around

I don’t do nice things to get things back, not at all. I am also the first person to say that there is no such thing as “true altruism” as there is always a level of delight to be obtained from making your workmates a cake “just because” or sending a text to a friend to say you are thinking of them, but there are many people who do not go to that level for others?

Anyhoo, I digress. I have been through the mill in the past two years, and in fact, I have probably had more “challenges” in my life than most (to the level where the Wookie is adamant that I was the head puppy/baby/kittenkiller in a past life…seriously, my luck is THAT bad and I have been through THAT much) . I was beginning to consider that karma might reward me with, I don’t know, a lottery win, or a miracle cure for what I have…and I was getting really quite frustrated about it….you know the type of whine “I am a good person, I try, why is it I always get the short end of the stick????” yada yada yada.  Now that sort of behaviour doesn’t get any of us ANYWHERE. *pondering why my netbook return key has packed in right at this very moment when writing about karma????*……….*toddle over to desktop PC*

Hmmmmmmm…that was odd. Anyway, I have established that although unavoidable, feeling a bit sorry for myself when I am in the wars and run down  is not going to achieve anything and will just kick off a downward spiral that I want to avoid at any opportunity. Therefore, today I considered the concept of those little things which really…REALLY…do matter whilst you wouldn’t think they were a karmariffic reward. So, is it denial of reality?

Not in the slightest. It is enriching. You notice more around you, you experience more..it is almost a hightened sense of awareness. EG. Going back to the last two years…it’s all been a bit pap in all honesty, and at times, I have been utterly defeated by it all. I really do not like having to live where I do, and it was something completely out of my control. However, the karmabliss out of that negativity, was fluttering about in my back yard today, ripping out weeds, tidying up the plants and sitting out as the rain started, just being happy at what I had achieved. Some people would say “you have only done a bit of gardening” and that misses the point of karma. I was ABLE to do the gardening. I saw bees and ladybirds all ower. I felt ACCOMPLISHED. The tiny bit of garden I have looks delightful. The rain was light and warm. See, little reward there that I wouldn’t have had if I wasn’t in the house I am in. Karmabliss is delighting in the small, seemingly insignificant things.

Karmabliss also covers the HUGE stuff…you know, the really ubernasty, fetid, “smoosh your face into a pile of gravel, glass and cat poo” events.  For me, March was sh*te, to the power of infinty. Seriously, anything that could go wrong, did. It carried on into April and in all honesty, I reached my lowest point in many years on the last day of April. Daaaaaaaark. Karma decided to let me recover for a bit and sort myself out, and then, a plan was in place out of nowhere, and as a result, I saw a friend I haven’t seen for 17 years. I am not going to go into just how much that short time meant to me, but suffice to say, friends are the family we make for ourselves and I reckon karma knows what it is doing by giving me that opportunity. It’s great to be reminded of who you are and of the really good people in your world.

So karmabliss, it is the little delights from your endeavours and it is the huge rewards which are the light at the end of the tunnel. We just need to know how to spot it and embrace it (“,)

Sooooooooo…this is why I am doing this

Oki. This blog is not going to be about me whining on about my life, or various challenges.


What it will be, is my way of finding solutions, overcoming any hurdles and making the most of every day.


So many of us get completely absorbed in our working life, family, home and we lose sight of what it is to truly live. I am not able to go out and start skydiving, and I do have to go to work every day to pay the bills, but there is so much more to life than the repetitive, monotony that is being a grownup.


I have had eighteen months of what can only be described as “challenges”. It all started when I prolapsed 2 discs in my back (still kept going to work), then 6 months later my hands started to seize up, the joints swelling and excrutiating pain. This moved on to pain in all of my joints and bones and a year later, I have a diagnosis of Fibromyalgia, further tests being done on my joints, tendons and ligaments, an arrhythmia for which I am going to have to have a portable heart monitor for 24 hours (already had the bloods done) and as of today, the routine op to remove a lump in my back has had to be referred to be done under a general anaesthetic as it is too big to remove under a local.


I always used to be so healthy, but in the past 18 months, it has all gone pear-shaped and if it has taught me anything, it is that life cannot be wasted. We take our health and well-being so much for granted that we work hard every day and focus on our day to day lives and worries whilst missing the main point. To “live”


I am really lucky though, as an army child, I was lucky enough to travel the world and see so many things. As a teenager, I moved out of home young and lived life to it’s fullest. Even through my twenties, I was surrounded by long-term friends that made the difficulties of that decade bearable and stuck by me even when I moved 300 miles to get away from the town in which I lived. I look back on all of that time and the wonderful times I had, and indeed, the serious adversities I overcame and I am grateful that I had the chance to really live. The last 5 years since I moved have passed by in a blur with some wonderful adventures, and yes, my friends are still there with a few more added for good measure.


However, the last 18 months have battered my health and as I said, I have had a wak up call in that I need to stop and re-assess how I live my life. I don’t want to stop working, and I sure as hell do not want to stop having adventures. I haven’t been out on adventures since May and this may be the result of a touch of cabin fever, but I see it as a way to re-focus and to re-build my life.


So, maybe you will read this and be interested, maybe not, but I am grateful if you have read it at all xx